Ingratiation

Imagine the following scenario. Every Monday, Ravi arrives at the boss’s door before anyone else, ready with a well-thought-out compliment: “Nice tie, Mark!” he says, despite them often being awful. 

In meetings, Ravi always enthusiastically agrees with Mark’s ideas, even when they contradict what he said the week before. He regularly drops references to Mark’s past successes and eagerly volunteers for tasks that get him noticed by the leadership team.

Coworkers joke about his flattery, but when promotions come up, it’s Ravi who’s moved up. This isn’t necessarily because of his skills or knowledge, but because he’s made himself so indispensable and visible to the person in charge.

We’ve all heard the labels: teacher’s pet, suck up, sycophant, or bootlicker. These colloquial yet critical phrases describe people who go out of their way to please and be liked by those around them. Yet what they’re doing actually has a name: ingratiation. A technique of persuasion, ingratiation is a compliance strategy used by individuals in everyday social encounters to get another person or group of people to like them more or do them a favor. 

Scholars have categorized ingratiation into three main types, distinguished by the underlying intent behind the behavior. While the specific objectives may differ, the strategies used (see below) are generally consistent across categories.

1. Acquisitive ingratiation involves efforts to gain something tangible, such as a reward, favor, or resource, from the person being targeted.
2. Protective ingratiation is aimed at avoiding punishment, criticism, or other negative outcomes by winning the target’s favor.
3. Significance ingratiation focuses on earning respect or approval, not for a material benefit, but to enhance one’s standing or perceived value in the eyes of others.

Within these categories, there are several common tactics of ingratiation: 

• Flattery: Giving compliments, such as “You’re always so insightful in meetings,” or “I love the way you wear your hair.”
• Conformity: Agreeing with someone’s opinions, even if you don’t truly share them. For example, when meeting someone new, you may agree with their perspective on an important social issue in order to build a relationship. 
• Self-presentation: Highlighting traits or behaviors the other person values, such as appearing hardworking or a non-drinker. 
• Doing favors: Performing helpful acts to gain goodwill, even if you don’t expect a favor in return. 
• Humor or charm: Using wit or social warmth to create a positive connection.

On the surface, ingratiation may appear as simple friendliness. Yet the real intention is to socially influence other people. In hierarchical environments like the workplace, where power dynamics exist between superiors and subordinates, this form of behavior is known as upward ingratiation.² Ingratiation can occur for a number of reasons, most commonly to gain something, such as a promotion, social capital, or another benefit.¹⁹ 

However, research suggests that ingratiation also occurs in response to rejection. According to Rainer Romero-Canyas et al., ingratiation tends to occur after a harsh rejection in a self-defining situation—that is, a context or event that relates directly to a person’s core identity, values, or sense of self-worth.¹⁸ Within this context, ingratiation only happens when two critical conditions are met: first, the possibility of influencing the rejecter still exists; second, the rejection poses a significant threat to the person’s sense of self.

Finally, researchers argue that ingratiation can either be direct, such as complimenting a coworker, or indirect, such as associating oneself with someone who is successful.²² The risk with direct ingratiation is that the receiver may recognize the hidden motive behind the tactic. Indirect promotion, on the other hand, may go undetected but have a similar outcome for the ingratiator.