Expectancy Violations Theory

How often have you replayed a conversation in your mind, shocked by something a person said or did that left you at a loss for words? Perhaps you’ve gone on a promising first date with someone who comes across as charming over text, full of thoughtful replies and little jokes—only to discover a completely different side of them over dinner. You settle in, eager to see where things might go, but halfway through the meal, your date begins speaking harshly to the waiter, making cutting remarks and snapping about minor details. The energy at the table seems to change. Maybe you find yourself glancing at your water glass, unsure whether to laugh, speak up, or plan your escape. Whatever response you choose, that sudden breach of expectation sticks with you. The version of them you’d pictured evaporates, replaced by someone far less appealing.

Expectancy violations theory helps us understand these moments by focusing on the expectations we bring into every interaction.1 Whether you realize it or not, everyone carries an unwritten set of assumptions—ideas about how people should act, what counts as respectful, and which behaviors feel out of place. These expectations take many forms. Some are predictive: beliefs about what will probably happen next, such as expecting a polite greeting or anticipating laughter at a certain kind of joke.2 Others are prescriptive, which refer to mental rules about what people should do, like offering an apology after bumping into someone or holding back criticism in public. 

Each is shaped by culture, personal experience, and those little lessons absorbed from friends, family, teachers, and even strangers. Sometimes, the rules are obvious, such as waiting your turn in line or saying “thank you” when someone holds the door. Others are far subtler. Consider how you might expect a certain level of eye contact, or have a sense of what topics are “safe” in small talk. Most of the time, these standards stay hidden, rarely questioned until someone does something that stands out.

Everyday conversations constantly tests these assumptions. A friend offers a compliment, a colleague cracks a joke, a stranger asks for directions. Then, an unexpected action brings those buried expectations to the surface. When someone overshares during small talk, you might feel a mix of amusement and discomfort. At other times, someone’s gaze lingers just a bit too long across the table, turning what could have been a warm moment into something tense or unsettling. While it’s tempting to believe we always notice when expectations are broken, many violations pass unmentioned, leaving behind nothing but a faint sense that something was “off.”

The digital world provides countless new ways for expectations to be violated. Imagine texting someone after a fun evening, only to get a two-word response days later. Sometimes, a person who always keeps things formal at your organization suddenly sends you a flurry of enthusiastic messages outside of work hours. Even small changes—like a period where you expected an emoji, or a phone call instead of a text—might make you wonder if something has shifted beneath the surface. Our social instincts work overtime, interpreting every delay, typo, or unusual phrase.

What’s striking is just how many corners of life are touched by expectancy violations. Parents sometimes throw their teenagers off balance by reacting with patience instead of anger when a curfew is missed, rewriting family scripts in a single moment. Offices are a minefield of silent rules where one unexpected gesture, or a generally calm leader who throws an unexpected tantrum, can remake a team’s mood overnight. Even when a corporation launches a big campaign to champion a social cause, audiences listen for sincerity and watch closely for signs that promises might not match real-world action.

Expectancy violations theory doesn’t just describe how people respond to surprise; it allows us to see the rules that shape social life in action. The next time you catch yourself dissecting a strange interaction or laughing over an awkward story, know that you’re witnessing expectations at work, revealing just how much the unwritten rules matter, sometimes more than the words themselves.